Eric R. Danton | Sound Check

Britney Spears headed back to TV?

Britney Spears is in talks to reprise her recent role on the CBS sitcom "How I Met Your Mother," Reuters reports today. Her part, as Abby, the medical office receptionist for a dermatologist played by Sarah Chalke, mostly drew critical praise, and her appearance was a success, I suppose, in that she didn't projectile vomit on the rest of the cast, flash her crotch at the camera or melt down in tears for no reason.

But she can't act. The average cigar-store Indian has better stage presence, and a less wooden delivery. Spears' part was mercifully small, but she rushed her lines throughout, and sounded in the naughty kicker to close the show as if she were reading her dialogue right out of the script.

True, Spears' appearance on the show, created by Wesleyan alumni Carter Bays and Craig Thomas, gave "HIMYM" its highest-ever rating, so the temptation to bring her back is understandable. But could she maybe just be an extra in the background somewhere, with no speaking lines?

(Photo by Monty Brinton/AP)

CD Review: 'Blackout' by Britney Spears

Who knew Britney Spears was the funniest woman in America?

None of her comedy is intentional, of course, but shhhh — she needs this, the poor dear.

Britney is a mess, you see. She’s gone in just a few short years from pop mega-star lip-locking with Madonna, to telling Matt Lauer that she drives with her baby on her lap because she’s “country” (working over a couple pieces of Bubble Yum the whole time), to getting divorced, shaving her head, throwing down a cocktail or two for the paparazzi, forgetting her underwear and losing custody of her kids.

That’s a lot of drama. So naturally, it’s time to make a new album. And what better title than, say, “Blackout,” which doesn’t evoke her substance-fueled club binges at all?

Britney reveals track listing (and nothing more)

In between stints in court for custody hearings and banging up other people's cars, Britney Spears has revealed the cover art and track listing for "Blackout," her disaster-in-waiting album due Oct. 30.

If the songs titles are any indication (and Britney's never been much for subtlety), there will be high unintentional comedy value here. "Get Naked (I Got a Plan)?" Really?

1. Gimme More
2. Piece of Me
3. Radar
4. Break The Ice
5. Heaven On Earth
6. Get Naked (I Got A Plan)
7. Freakshow
8. Toy Soldier
9. Hot As Ice
10. Ooh Ooh Baby
11. Perfect Lover
12. Why Should I Be Sad

Britney blacks out earlier than planned

It's all too perfect that Britney Spears is calling her forthcoming album "Blackout," and that her trashy new single "Gimme More" sounds like she has a case of the dry heaves. Now we'll have the album even sooner than the planned November release date.

Citing Internet leaks of songs and incomplete demos, Jive Records has moved up the release date to Oct. 30. "Due to these numerous unauthorized on-line leaks, the label is doing everything possible to prevent and avoid any further illegal distribution of songs including moving up the release date of the album," a spokesman said in an e-mail statement.

Let the "Blackout" begin. For the rest of us, that is — Britney's probably been blacked out for months.

More Britney, or less?

Britney Spears has a new single out — the same one she shambled through at the VMAs earlier this month — but there's no consensus on whether anyone even cares. "Radio listeners want less of 'Gimme More,'" read one entertainment headline yesterday, while today we learn the new single is a "fledging hit at radio."

So, is it a hit or not? Technically, yes. The song has risen to No. 15 on Billboard's Pop 100 Airplay chart, and No. 20 on the Radio & Records chart (the trade publication is owned by Nielsen, the same company that owns Billboard, which reported this news).

It's also not hard to see why listeners might want less of it. The tune opens with Spears proclaiming, "It's Britney, bitch," followed by an austere throbbing rhythm lifted from Kylie Minogue, as Spears moans and giggles like a drug-addled teenager, almost exactly the way she did on "Early Mornin'" from her last album, 2004's "In the Zone." When she reaches the chorus, she chants, "Gimme gimme more/Gimme gimme more."

Then comes an outstanding, unintentionally hilarious gift: A distortion effect on Spears' voice makes it sound like she's dry-heaving at the end of each line, rendering the chorus: "Gimme gimme *blorp*/Gimme gimme *blorp*." (Listen here.)

Then again, given her recent behavior, maybe she is dry-heaving.

Celebrity walkabouts

Recently I suggested that Britney Spears just go away. I realize now this wasn't particularly helpful. She has Real Problems, after all, including a shortage of underwear and a big bag full of RAGE.

So here's my new idea: Let's set Britney loose in the Australian Outback and send her on a walkabout until she grows up and gets her life together.

Dear Britney: Just go away

It's hard to imagine a more persuasive argument for the corrosive effects of fame than the Britney Spears' life of late. Her recent antics -- crotch shots, tattoos, head shaving, rehab -- are even less interesting than her music was, back when she was a recording artist instead of just one big cry for attention.

Those poor children. It doesn't bode well for them that Kevin Federline is the stable parent. Here's hoping Brit saves some of her gazillions of dollars for the giant therapy bills that are sure to follow.

Suggestions for Britney Spears

After years of trying her hardest to be the center of attention by over-flaunting her sexuality and making out with Madonna, Britney just wants to be left alone. For the greater good of humanity, Brit, let us help you with the following tips:

1. Don't grant interviews to "Today"/"Dateline."
2. If you do grant interviews, don't chew gum like a Valley Girl, maybe dial back on the cleavage and think about a stylist who can help you look, ya know, mature and composed, instead of going on TV resembling Joy from "My Name is Earl." Funny show; bad look.
3. Don't drive around with your baby on your lap. And if you do, don't justify it with the explanation (as told to Matt Lauer), "I did it with my dad. I'd sit in his lap and I'd drive. We're country." You live in L.A. now, sweetie, not on some bayou in Lousiana.
4. Speaking of L.A., MOVE. Los Angeles is ground zero for papparazzi, and of course they follow you. You do stupid stuff in public, and it's making them money. You want privacy? Maybe reconsider that Louisiana bayou.
5. Changing your baby's diaper in the middle of the floor at Victoria's Secret and expecting the staff to assist you is how divas act. You want to be left alone? Then act like it. Respect is not something you're entitled to; you have to earn it.