Roger Catlin | TV Eye

Love Client Number Nine

[To the tune of "Love Potion No. 9," with apologies to Lieber & Stoller. . . and Elliott Spitzer

I took my troubles down to old D.C.
You know I came here straight from Albany
Told about place where my credit is just fine
That’s when they called me Love Client Number Nine.

I told her gov’ner is what I’m called by chicks
I got elected back in 2006
She looked at my wallet and said I’d be just fine
She said what I’ll call you is Love Client Number Nine

She bent down and turn around and gave me a wink
I said if this gets in the papers it really will stink
She said the New York Times wouldn’t waste its ink
I held my nose, I wrote a check, I started to sink

I didn’t know if it was day or night.
I started buying every girl in sight
But when I bought a girl who taped our talk just fine
I knew that she had busted Love Client Number Nine

[guitar solo]

I held my nose, I wrote a check, I started to sink

I didn’t know if it was day or night.
I started buying every girl in sight
But when I bought a girl whose tape was clandestine
I knew that it was over for Love Client Number Nine

Religious Battle at ESPN

Twelve people showed up to protest at ESPN headquarters in Bristol today.

Their target was Dana Jacobsen the morning host who had a little too much vodka to drink at an Atlantic City roast honoring two other ESPN morning hosts, Mike and Mike. Such events, especially as hosted by comic Jeffrey Ross, only encourage the lowest of humor and vulgar insults. But Jacobsen, after apparently swilling a lot of vodka, went too far, all seem to agree, by declaring disdain for Notre Dame in terms even this blog won't repeat.

But when she brought Jesus Christ into her harangue alongside the f-word, she was in trouble with a group I was heretofore unfamiliar with, the Christian Anti-Defamation League, whose leader stated:

If she were a Christian and said the same things about Jews, Blacks, homosexuals or Muslims, the Jewish Anti-Defamation League, or the NAACP, or the Human Rights Commission or the Council on American-Islamic Relations, aided and abetted by the politically correct media, would demand nothing less than internment in rehab, court ordered psychiatric evaluations, mandated psychotropic drugs and a humiliating public apology.

It's not as if she said these things on the air, or on a video that's been leaked to YouTube (so far). Still, Jacobsen, for her part, got suspended for a week by ESPN.

And if it's any comfort for the anti-defamation league, she probably won't make it into heaven either.

But that didn't keep the protesters away. All 12 of them.

One of them had one of those signs you'd see at the kind of football game that ESPN would cover, using the letters of its parent company ABC:

Allowing
Bigoted
Comments

They weren't trying.

They could have been at least as creative as sports fans at TV events, and used the name of ESPN:

Eschew
Stupid
Personality
Nattering

Enabling
Sports
Person
Negativity

Everlasting
Savior
Poked
Needlessly

And these are just off the top of my head, people. Without vodka.

Rejected 'American Gladiator' Names

• Four-Eyes
• Pinky
• Sniffles
• Sissyboy
• Limpy
• Bunnykins
• Rashy
• Fainty
• Shaky
• Mr. Glass Jaw
• Wheezy
• Poindexter

Daytime Kingmakers: The Oprah Factor

After raising millions of dollars and helping drawing record crowds to campaign stops, Oprah Winfrey’s endorsement of Barack Obama has shaken other presidential candidates to rethink their campaigns. All are apparently scrambling to get their own daytime TV star to campaign with. Early strategy suggests some natural alliances:

• Hillary Clinton – That hair! Those pantsuits! (The dancing, not so much). Ellen DeGeneres is the natural choice.
• John McCain – Alongside Dr. Phil, they’d be the Mutt and Jeff of the Straight Talk Express.
• Dennis Kucinich – Jerry Springer could explain his talk of impeachment, UFO sightings and unlikely wife.
• Bill Richardson – Will find a kindred soul and language in Judge Maria Lopez.
• Chris Dodd – Could match Rachael Ray in enthusiasm and blazing smile, if not culinary skills.
• John Edwards – With Martha Stewart, he could talk prison reform and haircut designs.
• Mike Gravel – His anger and temper make him a natural ally to Steve Wilkos, who could match him in volume and bluster.
• Mike Huckabee – The ordained Baptist minister could easily bow his head with any of the 700 Club crew.
• Rudy Giuliani – Would find a tough-talking and occasionally annoying New Yorker (and potential fourth wife) in Judge Judy.
• Fred Thompson – The former fictional district attorney could brush up on nonfictional law with  Judge Alex.
• Ron Paul – Would get tips on being at odds with surrounding views from Fox News network co-host Alan Colmes.
• Mitt Romney – Could obscure that whole “blacks denied full membership in Mormonism until 1979” thing by aligning with Judge Greg Mathis.
• Joe Biden – Could trade hair restoration ideas with folks on iVillage
• Tom Tancredo — Can finally get to work constructing that big wall with Bob the Builder.

Restroom Rules

Because it has come up in the news, led to a significant political downfall and widespread changes in CNN programming, perhaps it’s time to review the unspoken rules of men’s stall behavior, so as to avoid any future confusion at, say, the Minneapolis Airport.

Concerning foot signals from under the adjoining stall

• Foot extended into other’s space -  “Just trying to keep pants from sliding; not to worry” or “How’s the weather over there?”
• Foot tapping – Just listening to country music on my iPod dude.
• Foot tapping excitedly – Plane is leaving soon, I’m in a hurry.
• Foot with lit match extended from it – Possible cartoon character or goofball terrorist.
• Bare feet? – No service.
• Snowboot showing – Weather may have changed significantly since you came in.
• Ugg boot showing – Fashions may have changed back, too.
• Orange Croc creeping – Caution!
• Birkenstock, proceeding slowly – Can we talk this out?
• Stocking foot showing – May be looking to inhabit your shoe.
• Wet tissues covering foot, audible sniffs – Here I sit, broken hearted.
• Paw visible – Relax, I’m a seeing eye dog.
• Hoof visible– Who are they letting in these things?
• High heel visible – You may be in the wrong rest room.

Concerning hand signals from under the partition of the adjoining stall:

• Right hand waving under partition, palm down – Looking for errant tissue, not to worry.
• Left hand waving under partition, wedding ring flashing – Married but bored, killing time in Minneapolis.
• Index finger extended – look over there, a common diversionary tactic.
• Two fingers extended – Peace, man.
• Middle finger extended – Back off.
• Pinky and thumb extended, wagging – I’m from Hawaii.
• Thumbs up – Roger Ebert here.
• Thumbs down – The other guy, who replaced Gene Shalit.
• Showing fist – I’m not gay; didn’t see that Al Pacino movie and I may be Tucker Carlson.
• Finger with potato on it – I’m from Idaho.
• Finger with potato, wrist with handcuff – I’m a U.S. Senator from Idaho and I plead guilty.

Fresh Sopranos Theories

A closer frame by frame examination of the final episode of “The Sopranos” (the only way to watch TV!) has revealed further conclusive proof that Tony is Dead.

• Inability to parallel park indicates trouble navigating afterlife.
• T shirt under truckdrivers coat says “Tony Must Die”
• Cub scout merit badge is for whacking.
• Item on menu lists “Chicken Fried Jersey Family”
• Coke and family sized onion rings suggests possible death by malnutrition.
• Black guys entering are members of the rap group Murder-T.
• Bell on door tolling for number of murders comitted by Tony this season.
• Playing Journey song backwards reveals hidden message: “Sleeps-with-fishes.”
• When a family of four arrives at local diner in four different vehicles, all will die of global warming, eventually.
• In the extended foreshadowing flashback shot, Bobby Bacala says, “all of a sudden it fades to black – and then the credits come up.”

From Rather to Rockettes

The first big TV project for Don Hewitt since he was forced out three years ago from the newsmagazine he created, “60 Minutes,” may be seen as an odd turn.

The 84-year-old producer will help create a TV special from the this year’s “Radio City Christmas Spectacular.” Even though the program is slated for rival NBC, he’s sure to leave his mark on the tradition using talent he knows best:

• Morley Safer recast as elf
• Mike Wallace knocking aggressively on North Pole entrance
• Steve Croft’s investigative report on abuses at Christmas tree farms
• Andy Rooney as particularly frosty snowman
• Incessant ticking between acts
• Finally get to show off Katie Couric’s million dollar legs

The Cute Barista

It was interesting to hear that Paul McCartney would release his next album only through Starbucks; less so when we heard what songs would be on it:

• Latte Be
• Live and Let Chai
• Lady Macchiato
• Ebony and Vanilla Creme
• Magical Mystery Nonfat Tour
• The Frappicino on the Hill
• Grande Slumbers
• Uncle Albert/Admiral Halsey Blend
• Love Me Doble
• Venti and Mars
• Norweigian Woodroasted

The Future of Newspapers

The challenges facing newspapers today in this new century, I don’t have to tell you, are tougher than they’ve ever been.

Right now in New York, there are only 153 daily newspapers, down from 320 just 10 years ago, in 1892.

This is in part due to the economic downturn, but also because of other delivery systems for information threatening our industry.

Rather than ignore these new avenues, succumb to their competition or double our prices to two cents, we are happy to say we have decided to incorporate these new innovations with our regular news operations.

Yes, we can hardly stand by and expect rotogravure and the antics of “The Yellow Kid” to save our ink-stained industry.

Beginning immediately, our top headlines will be repeated on billboards and astride zeppelins just as they have been seen on human advertising boards.

Moving pictures of our top stories will now be available through  a bank of Kinetoscope machines installed at most newsstands and cigar shops – where a nickel will show a major battle or an amusing sequence of a man sneezing.

Topics of great import will be “broadcast” through a vast system of megaphones through the city.  Radio telephones will also be employed as they become more common.

More often, important information of the day will be written, erased, and written again on vast chalk boards at city squares and baseball parks.

Some headlines will be flashed between acts at a chain of prominent vaudeville theaters and between bouts of boxing matches, most often held aloft on cards held by comely women.

By special agreements, some information will be imparted on headbands and spats.

“Chat rooms” will be established to encourage readers’ comments on stories, probably in anterooms of tea rooms, smoking clubs or haberdasheries.

And because so many of our young people can’t steel themselves away from their new electronic geegaws, a new service will be present the latest developments via electric light bulb and Morse code. Those with radio receivers will receive ghostly transmissions as the apparatuses become available.

No one will be able to say the newspapers have been left behind in the 19th century!

Aqua Teen Payout

Turner Broadcasting officials agreed to pay a whopping $2 million to Boston Monday following last week’s hubbub over an obvious cartoon promotion that people there mistook for a terrorist sabotage.

Only $1 million will go to state, federal and local law enforcement agencies for the cost of closing down bridges, highways and river traffic and setting the bomb squad on a day-long wild goose chase when the city completely overreacted to the Lite Brite renderings of the Mooninites – characters from “Aqua Teen Hunger Force” flipping the bird in a campaign that didn’t cause a ripple in nine other cities.

They had batteries so they must have been bombs, went the thinking.

The other $1 million will be in so called “good will” payoffs to the Department of Homeland Security in Boston for “security awareness and preparation.”

To that end, there are some obvious avenues for further inquiry in Cartoon Network shows for Boston officials:

• Investigate possibility of “real life” Powerpuff Girls – does Chemical X really exist?
• Research implications of actually having a meat beard.
• Does this “Tom” who “Goes to the Mayor” have full security clearance?
• “Foster’s Home for Imaginary Friends” – or sleeper cell?
• “Camp Lazlo” – or training facility?
• Definitely interrogate Yogi Bear, who claims to be "smarter than the average bear." He may know something.