Roger Catlin | TV Eye

'Secret Talents' Sacked

"Secret Talents of the Stars," the stunningly awful reality show named in this site as possibly broadcast's worst talent competition ever, has been canceled by CBS after just one airing.

Just 6.4 million people tuned in for its single episode Monday, in which George Takei sang Willie Nelson, Clint Black tried standup comedy, Mya tap danced and Sasha Cohen tried to become a contortionist with Chinese circus troupe.

Black and Cohen were picked to advance, but now will be left with their unfulfilled "talents" as much as those who never will be seen on the air at all.

Return to MILF Island

The welcome return of "30 Rock" tonight means also a welcome back to "MILF Island," the faux reality show whose naughty name has come up previously on the show.

Reality shows are tough to parody (because inherantly they her parodies already), but "MILF Island" especially sounds like an actual show aimed at the lowest-common denominator, along the lines of "Paradise Hotel," "Temptation Island," "The Age of Love" and "Kid Nation," so much so that some lowlife producers are probably kicking themselves for not thinking of it first.

Though it's only been mentioned in passing before on the show, it's time for the popular reality show's season finale now and the whole office is glued to the screen. It's doubtless a way to make a pointed comment in the first episode since the writers stike about the networks' further dive into reality dreck over the intervening weeks.

More details emerge about the show within a show: "Twenty MILFs! Fifty 8th grade boys! No Rules!" for "sex, lies, puberty and relay races" and a two-woman showdown at the tribal council held at a place they could be calling "erection cove." The loser doesn't extinguish a torch, she burns her bikini top.

This fuzzed out scene, and another electronically altered scene of other pariticipants flipping the bird, aren't going to be fully embraced by watchdog TV groups who are already formally protesting the fuzzed-out nude modeling on last week's episode of "America's Next Top Model." That should have never appeared during the 8 p.m. family hour, they charge. "30 Rock" of course appears during the 8 p.m. hour as well. And the name "MILF Island" itself references quite a vulgar term, in the tradition of FUBAR and SNAFU, that arguably may not be ready for prime time or polite conversation.

A lot of the standard reality show cliches remain: "The game is about to change!" "I didn't come here to make friends" (the latter echoed by Liz Lemon, she is mortified to find). To further reference the new world of reality TV, Tim Conway walks around the hallways next week, dazed, not recognizing what's happened to the place where his character was once a star.

Tonight, a cutout of Wolf from the intervening (and actual) NBC show "American Gladiators" appears in an elevator. And even the days of must see Thursdays past are invoked, with the name of Jerry Seinfeld in the credits of the fake "MILF Island."

Seinfeld is listed as co-creator of the show with Jack Doghaney (from the October episode in which appeared). The adaptation is by someone named Brit Ishman, a joke I didn't get until I started typing it into Google.

Jewel's New Chore at 'Nashville Star'

Jewel, who hosted "Nashville Star" last year on USA Network, will move to the role of judge in the new season which makes its bow on the mother NBC network June 9.

She'll take a seat alongside John Rich of the duo Big & Rich, the previously announced judge. Rich recently served as one-man jury on CMT's "Gone Country" (where he picked Julio Iglesias Jr. as winner in a controversial choice).

Billy Ray Cyrus takes over as host for the country music talent competition, making its first appearance on broadcast after five seasons on cable.

A third judge is yet to be named. The judges here are technically listed as judge/mentors, though they don't do the walk-through discussions the way Tim Gunn does on "Project: Runway." More likely, it refers to their unfailingly encouraging comments that serve as judgments. Once more, viewers make the call on who advances.

Sox Appeal Audition Saturday

The Red Sox are back playing in Fenway Park. Now comes the return of its dating reality show.
Connecticut auditions for the second season of “Sox Appeal” are set for this Saturday at the Bob’s Store in Manchester.

In what be TV’s least smarmy dating show (in an age when "That's Amore" and "Rock of Love" are considered dating shows) NESN’s "Sox Appeal" puts a Boston fan (21 and over) on three quick blind dates in the course of a single Sox game, getting to know each two innings at a time.

It’s not quite speed dating (depending on how quickly six out comes). By the seventh inning stretch the dater will choose from one of the three to spend the rest of the game with.

There they’ll sing along to Neil Diamond’s "Sweet Caroline" in the eighth and the Standell’s "Dirty Water" at game's end.

With any luck, the relationship may even go on to extra innings.

They’ll shoot through June for a season that will start running on NESN Aug. 3.

Romance aside, it may be worth trying out if only it may be the only way to get into a Sox game at Fenway this season.

More info on tryouts are at www.sox-appeal.com.

'Secret Talents of the Stars'

Boy, is this terrible.

Network reality talent competitions reaches a new low with CBS' "Secret Talent of the Stars" which blends the blind alliance to anything in an "American Idol" format with the requisite casting of B-list "stars."

In this one, performance and results come in the same hour, as viewers must cast their votes online during the commercial breaks between acts. Forget having an hour after the show is over. You get three minutes tops and that's it.

The panel of "judges" are more ineffectual than ever. All they are apparently charged to do is ape their "Idol" counterparts. Brian McKnight is the Randy Jackson of the bunch, the elderly Debbie Reynolds is the Paula Abdul of her era, and Gavin Polone, previously a producer never seen on screen, does his best to be the mean judge, down to scowling when being introduced and describing performances as "sucky."

In this case, however, he's right, as George Takei's stab at country singing is best left in the shower stall where he honed it. Either McKnight can't hear or he can't be honest if he said the former Lt. Sulu was on key the whole way through. Off-key the whole way through is more like it. Find it on YouTube and you won't see a more tuneless song sung by a star all year on any network.

Not much better was Clint Black trying out comedy material with the kind of success George Bush has in the same department. Deadly stuff that can't be saved with a Texas grin. (Still, Polone said he liked him even if he didn't have material).

Viewers during the commercial break voted Black to return in the semi-finals. Also returning is Sasha Cohen, the Olympic skater whose switch to contortionist among Chinese circus acrobats doesn't seem much of a stretch. She was the upset winner over Mya, the R&B singer who tried to revive her tap skills. Judges liked her, but viewers during the commercial break didn't as much (or maybe they had to get a snack during that commercial break).

Another four celebs endure the humiliation next week in the show hosted by John O'Hurley, who insists on using that pompous inflated voice he once used as Peterman on "Seinfeld," as if he's imitating a game show host throughout. Perhaps this is his secret talent.

Unicycling into the Sunset

It was the craziest dance routine this season and maybe ever on "Dancing with the Stars."

But Adam Carolla's kooky hybrid of Zorro and a unicycle was called back again Tuesday to be performed again, dubbed the "most entertaining" thing on the show Monday. Still, it also got the lowest scores, both from judges and apparently from viewers as well.

And the comedian and radio host looked relieved when his name was called Tuesday as the latest to be eliminated from the show.

"I had the time of my life. I lost 20 pounds of fat," Carolla said upon losing and then referring to his partner Julianne Hough, "I gained 105 pounds of angel. I love this girl."

It meant an uncharacteristically early end for Hough, 19, though, who in her two previous years on the show as a professional dancer took the crown each time, first with Apollo Anton Ohno and then Helio Castroneves last season. "I'm getting all teary eyed," she said upon the elimination, saying of Carolla: "Everybody sees him as the funny guy, but he's amazing. He's a really great guy."

Indeed, who'd think Carolla would come up with inspirational advice for the home viewers? But he did.

"I recommend this experience to anyone who is scared of anything," he said. "We all don't have the opportunity to do 'Dancing with the Stars,' but you at home, there's something that scares you, there is something that is your 'Dancing with the Stars' -- Embrace it. Don't run from it. Do it."

Easy to say for a guy leaving a dance. "I'm going to dance my way right to the buffet," he said finally.

'Project' Runsaway to Lifetime

"I am sorry," we like to imagine the producers of "Project: Runway" must have told Bravo, in much the same clipped Scandinavian accent of Heidi Klum. "You are out."

After five seasons on Bravo, cable’s best reality show, which last week won a Peabody Award, will move to Lifetime in a five-year deal announced this week. The sixth season will start there come November.

In its time "Project: Runway" has only set the standard for a competition in which real creativity was on display, it also helped define Bravo's reality roster that’s broadened out to "Top Chef," "Make Me A Supermodel" and "Step It Up and Dance."

Lifetime, best known for its roster of movies, hasn’t had the strongest reality roster to date. It’s included  the quasi-creepy “Your Mama Don’t Dance” in which dads sexy dance with daughters; “How to Look Good Naked” with Carson Kressley; “Top This Party”;  “America’s Psychic Challenge” and “Matched in Manhattan.” 

Having watercooler movies, dramas, and reality shows like 'Project Runway' is what Lifetime Television is all about. We welcome The Weinstein Company, Heidi Klum and Tim Gunn to the Lifetime family for many walks down the runway to come," said Lifetime Network president Andrea Wong.

"Fashion is about change, so we’re looking forward to saying hello to Lifetime, our new fashionable home for our fashionable series," Heidi Klum said in the same statement. “We’re excited to bring 'Project Runway' to the #1 network for women."

Tim Gunn added, "Lifetime and I will definitely ‘make it work’ together. I am very excited to be part of the Lifetime family."

We imagine him upon hearing the news though, scrunchcing up his face and saying "Hmm. This scares me."

Charmless School

When it looks she wasn't going to get a rose on "The Bachelor" Monday, Kelly went into desperation mode. She flashed Matt Grant.

"Notice they're very nice," she said, "I have very large breasts."

This move might work gangbusters when she's with her customer base work with her clientele as a medical sales rep in San Diego. But Grant, being an Englishman, was a bit more appalled than delighted and Kelly went home.

"Do I think he made a mistake?" Kelly said in a post-interview. "Obviously. Like hello?  I’d be into me. Any dude would want to date me."

But the Englishman is no normal dude. He wasn't seeing her specialness. He thought she was interested in having more fun with the other girls than having fun with him.

"Come on, try to meet another girl like me. Whatever. You won’t," she also said, starting to sound like Amy Poehler's character on "Saturday Night Live" with one leg.

The other one without a rose was Ashlee the songwriter. Matt kept saying he loved hearing her sing her original songs, but wasn't much interested in any other aspects of her. (And the song, actually, was about how she'd have her heart broken eventually - it came true!).

The house was shocked when Matt picked Marshana over Holly in a rose or go home date, especially since he had a one-on-one date previously with Holly. It was her lack of ability to make conversation that sent her home.

Still in the running is Robin, the most hated by the other girls; and Shayne, the most childish. Amanda got a one on one date and didn't have to stress out or issue any meeps. (The one we heard was dubbed in, I believe).

The 10s Come Out

The judges began awarding their top scores on "Dancing with the Stars" Monday – after consistent 9s since the start, leader Kristi Yamaguchi got a couple of 10s.

Tens also went to Jason Taylor, the football star who lagged last week but made a big comeback doing the Vienese Waltz. His score of 29 out of 30 was the first all season to match that of Yamaguchi.
Judge Len Goodman kept his 10 paddle inactive for those two, but pulled it out for the first time this season to honor Shannon Elizabeth’s waltz, which he called the best dance of the night for him (the other two gave her a 9, giving her a 28 overall).

Christian De La Fuente was staying in it, with a 26 for his bare-chested paso doble.

Marissa Jaret Winokur pulled up from the bottom of scoring with a vigorous paso doble to close the show, her score of straight 8s was her best yet.

That put her in the middle with Mario, who got back up to 24 after a stumble last week and continuing to get the most varied scores from the judges – an 8, a 7 and a 9.

Marlee Matlin brought tears to Carrie Ann’s eyes with her waltz and got straight 8s. to also tie at 24.
Priscilla Presley dropped somewhat for her waltz to just 22 and she got weird comments from judges, including Bruno making an odd reference to “The Merry Widow” and Carrie Ann mentioning her consistent facial expressions.

Back to the bottom with 19 points then went Adam Carolla, whose paso may have been the most remarkable scene of the night: In full Zorro costume in hat, cape and mustache and an entrance on a unicycle, a device that did not earn technical points but was the most weirdly entertaining thing.

Reality Rolls on Fox

It just ended its first off-putting, oddly compelling season last week. But "The Moment of Truth" is ready to come back for a summer run starting May 27, Fox said Monday.

It was one of a number of existing reality shows announced that will continue to run with new episodes through the summer.

"Moment of Truth" will run Tuesdays alongside "Hell’s Kitchen" starting May 27.

School never lets out for "Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?" which begins a new batch of episodes Thursdays starting June 12, alongside the second of two weekly episodes of "So You Think You Can Dance" which was previously announced to begin May 22.

All those are new episodes, but reruns of "Don’t Forget the Lyrics" will also run this summer, Sundays at 7 p.m., the network said.